Towards & Away: How To Better Understand Your Relationship Dynamic

• Often, drawing in is precisely what we do in the beginning of a romantic relationship.
• We put on our best face and we’re on our best behaviour.
• We charm, entertain, flatter, and remain attentive. We communicate lovingly and often.
• We don’t want to be rejected and will take great pains to prevent that from happening.
• We are loving, kind, helpful, agreeable, cooperative, positive, and likeable.
• Humans move towards loving warmth, seeking approval and acceptance.

In the ‘drawing in’ stages of an early relationship,

• We pay attention to what our partners are doing — and what interests them.
• We notice the little things and we comment on them — we are full of compliments and affirmations.

But in the pulling away (or pushing away) stages, we pay attention to our partners are doing — more accurately, to what they’re NOT doing that we wish they were doing.

• Or we notice the little things and we comment on them — but we are not complimenting them, we are expressing annoyance and displeasure.
• We become critical and distant; and we stop trying to ‘woo’ them.  Instead, we wonder why they’re not wooing us like they used to…

Or if we’re the partner that’s pulling away (or pushing away), we wonder why our partner’s aren’t content to simply know we’re happy enough with the status quo of the relationship — and why they want more from us than we feel comfortable to give.

And sometimes this push/pull dynamic occurs simply because life has become busy.

• Children, academic pursuits, ageing parents or business pressures take precedence.
• The underlying relationship may be positive, but it’s simply suffering from a time and attention deficit.

Other times, the pulling in/pushing away may signal a growing rift in a relationship — one that can be healed and ‘brought back to love’ again.

But only if the right mindset is garnered at the right time…as otherwise, the rift can grow to a crevice.  A small rift, or healable hurt, can lead to long term relationship distress if it becomes an ingrained, resentful viewpoint — a viewpoint of thinking the other person ‘doesn’t care enough’ or ‘doesn’t love or respect me’ enough.

And if you’re the one pushing away, it’s beneficial to genuinely understand your reasons.

Because when the pulling towards turns to pushing away in a relationship….it can spell serious trouble.

And it pays to pay attention to what’s going on beneath the surface.

Turmoil or uncertainty: Pulling Away from your loved one

All of us who have loved have felt what it’s like when a partner pulls away — or pushes us away, just when we’re wanting to get closer and become more vulnerable or intimately connected.

• This often occurs when the power struggle kicks in.
• It’s challenging to feel vulnerable, so one partner might back away simply to protect themselves as they know that when they do back away — the other partner moves towards them, and they thereby reaffirm they’re still wanted, loved and desired. (Note this isn’t the ONLY way to understand love in a relationship, and it often occurs with ambivalent attachment patterns).
• Or, for some, it’s about being right — e.g., a disagreement occurs, and the power struggle of “who is right” takes over.
• Behaviour suggests we forget about feeling wanted and loved.
• Instead, rejecting, repulsive, and argumentative styles dominate.

This dynamic is too complex to discuss in a single blog, but overall, it happens to most couples, at some stage of their moving closer to one another, and when becoming more vulnerable.

• They reach a balance of togetherness, inter-dependence and autonomy.
• They discover they are loved, and they relax a bit more, and let each other in.
• They openly communicate their desires, wants, needs and fears; and they find mutual respect and balanced levels of caring about the relationship, and each other’s welfare.
• They become more balanced as a couple in terms of mutual commitments, mutual desire, and giving a more equal amount (a balanced give-and-take in a relationship is a sign of a healthy relationship — if one partner is giving far too much and one partner, far too little, then the relationship is definitely in trouble, even if it seems an acceptable trade-off at the time).

Summary of the Towards vs Away Dynamic in relationships in trouble

So yes, couples will often push each other away at times; and pull each other in (towards) at other times; and this can fluctuate.

But in most relationships, an acceptable balance is struck, and both partners find it a satisfactory status quo.

But sometimes, pushing away and pulling in — especially if the push-pull dynamic seems extreme ends of the distance/closeness spectrum — can be a signal of a relationship in trouble, and one that needs dedicated attention — and quickly.  And in need of understanding.

And, if unresolvable in a short period of time, it can be a strong signal the relationship’s facing a potential breakup, and would benefit from couples master coaching, relationship crisis counselling and/or ongoing marriage counselling.

Couples draw each other in OR drive each other away.